A DAY IN THE TRUMP PRESIDENCY
Chief of Staff Omarosa Manigault has a number of things to discuss with President Trump, but she has to wait until he finishes with the interior decorator who is standing beside the Commander in Chief in the Oval Office. They are both staring down at the rug.
“I want a lot of gold in it,” the president is saying. “And I want my name in huge letters, bigger than the presidential seal. I do things big, that’s why I was elected.”
Omarosa had tried to tell him that this design wouldn’t go over well with the American people, but he told her to shut up or be fired. Since she was fired before by him on Celebrity Apprentice, she decided to shut up. The interior decorator leaves the office, and now they can get down to important business.
“Sir, I know you wanted Vice President Palin to go to England and try to smooth things over with the British, so you can be allowed into their country, but she can’t go.”
“What do you mean she can’t go? She’s the fucking vice president! She’ll go where I tell her to go.”
“She’s moose hunting, Mr. President.”
“Well, how long can that take? You shoot a moose and it’s done.”
Omarosa checks her notes. “Apparently she needs more than one. She said it’s what her family eats all winter.”
“You know, a moose is a big animal. I know moose. I’m very good with moose. Moose love me. How much could this family possibly eat? Never mind. What about the Secretary of State? Can she go?”
“Yes sir, Mr. President, we can ask Kim Davis but we have a slight problem there.”
“Why — is she out hunting something?”
“No sir. But you asked me to convince her to change her wardrobe and her hair. And I said I could, because you taught me to be confident and always believe I can do anything. But she won’t do it. Apostolic Christians have to wear the long skirts and never cut their hair. And I’m guessing the no-bra thing is part of it too. It doesn’t stop her from going to England, but…”
The president interrupts her. “The British are very fashionable. Very proper. I know the British. They love me. I get along very well with the British — well, until now, I guess. We can’t send her looking like that. Will she wear a hat? The British are very fond of hats.”
“I don’t think so, sir. And the president of Mexico is not budging on paying for the wall you want to build. He did, however, send you a bottle of Tequila. With a worm at the bottom.”
President Trump gives her a narrow-eyed look. “I don’t drink.”
“Yes sir. He said, Maybe you should start.”
“Ok, okay. Where are we with Syria? I want to carpet bomb the country.”
“Secretary of Defense Coulter has been speaking with the Joint Chiefs of Staff…until they stopped speaking to her. Apparently she offended them and they walked out on her.”
President Trump’s face reddens. “Then I will just order it myself and push the goddamn buttons myself! The people elected me to think outside the box! They don’t want me to follow outdated things like the Constitution! We are going to make this country great again! To Hell with the Constitution! It’s old and antiquated! And really, how many people have actually read it anyway?”
And this is just the first week of his presidency.