NEW RULES FOR 2015
Now that we’re midway into the first month of the new year and many people are remembering why it’s usually a bad idea to make resolutions, since they tend to have a short shelf life, I think it’s a good time to introduce some new rules for the year ahead.
1. There can be no more Housewife shows. We have reached the quota. There are obviously housewives in every city and state — we don’t need to know about them. The appetite for cat fights, women tipping over tables in restaurants, removing prosthetic legs and using them as makeshift missiles is simply unhealthy. And whoever is addicted to these kinds of shenanigans needs to get help immediately. Check with your health insurance provider, it may be covered.
2. Everyone cast in a reality show must undergo a thorough background check as well as a complete psychological evaluation. That way we can avoid “news stories” about people going to jail for fraud, or being busted for dalliances with child molesters, and networks like TLC won’t have to issue inanely disingenuous statements about how shocked they are. Seriously, did they really think “Mama June” was a fine upstanding citizen with impeccable morals?
3. Anyone holding political office, or aspiring to, is banned from posting photos anywhere on social media. We do not need to see tweeted images of your genitals, nor do we need to see your child standing on the spine of the family dog. You may go on Twitter and Facebook as long as you don’t use the camera icon. You may not go on Instagram for obvious reasons.
4. Along these same lines, anyone using phrases like “wee-wee’d up” and “kiss my okole” is forever banned from running for any kind of public office. Can we please just agree that holding political office should come with some requirements for dignity? Also, if you don’t know the address of the White House, you may not ask to be sent there by voters. (Yes, Sarah, that means you. It is not 1400 Pennsylvania Avenue, it is 16oo.)
5. John Kerry has to tell us what he did to his face, so we can stop wondering about it and just listen to what he has to say. Debating about whether he did Botox, or fillers, or had a facelift gets very distracting. Just tell us and then we can pay attention.
I think these five rules are a good starting point. If they can be enacted and obeyed, we will almost instantly become a more civilized nation. Granted, some people won’t be happy and they are welcome to voice their displeasure, because freedom of speech is alive and well. As long as those in a particular category don’t include photos.